just write.

i don't know why words are so hard lately. it used to come so easily. i think it boils down to a lack of input and support and a fear of judgment. i've been thinking a lot about the things that haunt me lately. but every time i try to sit down and sort it all out i just go blank. or its too overwhelming and i can't even get started, although i think it would really help me to clear my head. i'm not really sure why but i seem to need positive reenforcement, about eveyrthing. i would love to have the ability to just do something for myself, to have the confidence to just not worry about what everyone else may be thinking, but i can't quiet the voices in my head that constantly wonder what their reactions will be. i gets to the point where i stop trusting my relationships, even with family. i have this issue with paying too much attention to how people are acting, responding to me, instead of really listening to what they're saying. i hear them, i do listen, but i'm so preoccupied with the possibilty of their judgement that i start to project those fears on to them. i believe that fear is exactly that-a projection of our own negative feelings on to the people and world around us. when we fear something enough we are sure to see it everywhere. and my fear is that people will judge me, or misunderstand me. and when i try to overcome my insecurities i ususally end up over compensating. instead of my usual silence i talk to fast. i make sarcastic comments that come out wrong. and i have this horrible habit of either drifting off during conversations or just talking about my own experiences, because either i don't know what else to say, or sometimes with people i'm comfortable with, it's a rare opportunity to be myself and communicate openly and i can go a little overboard i guess.

i don't really know why this has been bugging me so much except that maybe i've been feeling a little too isolated latley. i'm in a relationship with someone who i don't really talk to, and i'm lacking people in my life i feel comfortable with and close too. there have been very few people in my life i've felt really understood me, who i've been able to connect with. and most of them are no longer really in my life. i have good friends of course, who love and respect me, who support me in every way they can, but there are still things missing. interests we don't really share.

there's really only about2 or 3 people i can think of that i really felt connected to in my adult life, and i miss those relationships. freindships. they didn't last long. for some reason we no longer really speak, and i wish i knew why. i wish i had the courage to call or write and just say, 'hey-i miss you. i'd really love to just talk to you for a while. i want to know what's going on in your life.' i think a big part of the issue is that the people i've always gotten along with best are men, and those friendships are too often confused with romance. it's really hard to have an intimate relationship with someone of the opposite sex without it being about sex. which really makes me sad.

more than anything though, i really want to know why those freindships dissolved so easily and completley. i need to know, but i don't want it to keep happening. i already i know i tear appart or in some way ruin every other relationship in my life. i need to know how so i can keep it from happening again.

i'm afraid to even admit to this blog, which i'm pretty sure no one even reads (but please comment if you do so i know your here), everything thats been going on in my head latley. i'm ashamed to admit that the only reason i'm still trying to make my relationship with L work is Miles. I don't know. maybe if we had some kind of foundation to build on i'd have more hope, but looking back i fear we may have been doomed to fail from the start. admitting it makes it seem like i'd regret having miles, but that will never be true. no matter how things end up he was a gift. a wonderful shining light. but unfortunatley you cant build a relationship on a child. i wish it were that simple, i really do. i wish with all my heart it was enough. i think it's time i really start admiting to myself that i'm not cut out for commitment of that kind. i don't know how to function in relationships. i had no real model for relationships as a child and i don't know where to start, how to act, who to be. i over analyze everything. i find fault when there is none. it's not something i know how to control, and it makes everything hard. ususally by know i would have just walked away. or ran. it was always a quick and simple way to end things when they got too hard. but now that it's not an option, i dont know what to do. i hate myself for putting L through the things i do. neither of us are perfect, but i have this inability to just Be Happy. and i'm tired. i'm just so tired of feeling shitty and making him feel shitty in return. even if he's not the reason i feel bad in the first place. although admittedly he's done his share, it's not fair to point the finger. i'm responsible for how i act and treat the people around me. i'm just reaching a point where i need to either get it together and figure it out and make it work or just let go. but neither option seems possible.

it's all just so exausting.