I Wish Someone Had Some Answers.

I'm seriously thinking about running away. I didn't get the promotion at work, which is a good thing, at least I'm not letting it be anything but. However, that is making me reevaluate what I'm doing now. I'm not sure that I could ever be satisfied if I keep doing this. And I'm not sure the path I'm headed on is the right one for me. I'm feeling like the choices I made were never my own, and I've never allowed myself the luxury of figuring out what I really want. Instead I just wind up making promises I can't keep, setting goals I don't really want to attain and disapointing people, wasting thier time. I feel too clear headed these days to keep doing this... I was thinking to myself tonite how liberating it could be to get away from all of this. The last time I left I felt obligated. That choice was never really mine. And when I came back I was running away from myself, hiding in things that I knew, familar faces and territories, so that I wouldn't have to let any one new in. Maybe now I'm brave enough. Maybe now it's really what I need. But what would I do right? Why would it be different, and where would I go? I'd be on my own no matter where I went. I could go back to my Dad's, but I couldn't live with him. I have no friends anywhere else, no other family to go to. I can't support myself where I'm at, so who knows if it would be any better somewhere different. Actually I know it would be worse. I'm just not sure that I care. I think the thing that's making this all hit home is that I've begun to run out of things to run away from. My job is good, my freinds are great, my house is beautiful and right where I always thought I wanted to be, my roomates are cool and colorado is a wonderful and welcoming as it has ever been, it continues to feel like home to me. But right now I don't think home is what I need. So I was thinking back to CA, my dad would be close at least, and i've been feeling gaps growing between us and I'd hate myself if I let them get too wide. I've already spent as much time as i can building things up with my mom, and I don't see that growing any more. But I can't lose my dad. And he would be there for me if i needed him to be. Thing is I'd have to be in school. Well i feel like i'd have to be... So point is, I was looking into schools near him, mainly Berkeley, I've always had some romantic notions about living there, this place I know nothing about, but i was looking into the different programs they offer, and trying to think of what I would study, and nothing sounds appealing. I'm just really starting to think school is not a place I will ever be happy. Am I just being impatient? The really hard part is i'm feeling like no one knows me well enough to help me sort this all out, and i'm so tired of doing this shit on my own. but at the same time i don't let anyone help. i never have. as much as i feel like thats what i want and what i need i dont let it happen. i'm not sure who it is i dont trust either, myself or everyone else. i'm still feeling better than i have in years and years but i'm afraid that living this way will make it too easy to fall back into old patterns. i just wish i knew if i was running away from everything or toward something. i've never been good at facing something if i don't already have a good idea of what the outcome will be. i'm terrified of what i dont know. but i'm even more scared of what i do know. rock/hardplace. is it naive of me to think that i can find a way to live the life i want w/o the money and the education and the good job and all the other shit everyone wants and tells you you need? i think i need to be needed and to be a part of something bigger than this, than everything i know. but maybe thats filler, maybe thats trying to fill that empty lonely space with, well, i dont know what else exactly. i wonder if i had something to hold me back, if i would still want to run so far? but right now anywhere but here sounds like a good place to be. and maybe its a start. if you can't be satisfied at home can you find it somewhere else? all i know is right now i only have one thing i want to hold on to, and it isnt mine to hold. and i'm not sure where that leaves me. i don't have any answers.