hello again.

it's been a long, long time. i honestly don't know why i havent written anything in so long. i've been going through spells of happiness and sadness, and back to happiness again, all too strong to put into words. there's a calmness and comfort that comes with contentment that leaves you to relaxed, too much at ease. i think its what must happen with many artists. that good feeling has a way of stripping you of your need to create. i'm in the middle of the first great relationship of my life, and we're just hitting our stride. and while at times it leaves me inspired to make something beautiful or say something meaningful, mostly i'm just inspired to lay around in bed and count his freckles. it's the pain that fuels the creativity. making something beautiful out of all of those grimy emotions, something dark to express the things you cant, just something, anything, when you feel like you don't have anything else. it's that and its a lack of time. it's caring too much about the job i dont want and getting too caught up in the everyday things that i'm so quick to tell everyone else don't matter. the money, the dishes, the clean socks. too much time spent breathing in dust under florecent lights listening to the hum of the computers and the clicking of the keys on the keyboards. but its good things too. its mornings at the ymca taking care of my body and talking to no one. its those extra few hours cuddled up with the dog in bed. its sunshine and green grass and walks with friends. kisses and the smell of the man i love laying next to me.

i've been spending more time getting to know myself, letting myself enjoy my life. i've stopped trying to imitate things that i find wonderful, and i've started trying to learn how to make my own. i still just wish i had a little more imput, almost as much as i wish i didn't need it. but what's the point of putting something out into the world, of sharing something you love, if no one cares to look? the nice part is, the more i get to understand my own self, the more i can appreciate everyone else. i'm trying to quell that part of myself that creates drama and chaos out of boredom. i've come to realize that i can't cope with rutine. schedules and patterns and order are not the things that nourish or sustain me. instead they leave me trapped and i find myself lashing out, because anger and pain are the easiest and quickest distractions. i'm not going to let my demons affect the people i love.

right now, in this very moment, i'm feeling more happy and at peace with myself, more open, then i can ever remember being. i dont have to hide, i dont have to speak in riddles, i dont have to pretend, i dont have to be sarcastic, because i'm actually comfortable with where i'm at, and where i'm headed. because i know i'll be at home soon enjoying my house and the company i find there, and the freedom that comes with letting myself be okay with myself.

now that the emotional craps all been laid out on the table.......

earlier today i sent a text message to a few of my friends (landon got a phone call) that said: "good morning! its spring! i love you!", and for a moment, i debated weather or not to send it. when did it become strange to tell your friends you love them? or maybe its just me...

back to the creativity thing. suzi sent me a link today to a website that publishes photos, with the suggestion that i submit somthing. i took a look and one of the categories was something to do with you're personal take on beauty. and since landon agreed to help me out, i've been flooded with ideas for shots to take. so thats how i plan to spend my evening. i just havent decided which camera to use, maybe all of them. i still have plenty of b/w film to use, for both the holga and the pentax. so maybe i'll just play around. use the digital to cheat so i can make sure the pictures will come out. i also need more canvas. maybe some wood too. i keep having all of these ideas, but without the supplies i forget them. maybe i should start writing them down.

i wish i had my markers and my sketch book.

i guess i'll just play frozen bubble instead.

spring has sprung and it makes me smile.