oh, mama.

so i finally let my mom know today that i'm upset with her. i don't think it will change things much, if at all, but at least i got it off my chest. that's supposed to help, but i'm not really sure it will. i don't know why i ever thought she would change. i don't know why i believed that having a child would make her more present in my life. i believe her when she says she'll be there. that she wants to be around. i want so badly to trust her. i want so badly to have her in my life. not just for phone calls and things like that. shes always been there when i needed something, but never when i've needed someone. i don't understand why she can't be present in my life. why she can't just take the 5 minute drive to my house and spend a little time with her daughter and her grandson. i don't want anything more than that, i've never wanted anything more than that. i've told her so a hundred times. its like talking to a wall. a huge, impenetrable, camouflaged wall. why is that? we get along, we can talk on the phone all the time. i don't hold anything against her, i have always done my best to support her, to help her, to be someone she can lean on. to be everything i've wanted her to be. how can you not want to spend time with your child? i know she probably feels guilty for all the things she did and missed out on when i was young, but that's in the past. i'm trying to move on, to let go. i just cant help wanting her to be a part of my life. of my son's life. his other grandparents have to get on a plane just to see him, still they do it. his nana (landon's mom) drives from fo. co. almost every weekend for just a few hours with miles. my mom is minutes away. i thought when her crappy relationship was finally over and she moved closer it would mean she'd be around. stop by occasionally to say hello or have dinner. she just wont do it. she can, she has the time. she just wont. i've asked her to explain and she cant. i dont think she realizes, or wants to understand how much it hurts me. i couldn't imagine ever not wanting to be around my son. i just cant fathom it. she's missed so much. she continues to miss so much.
i just wish i knew why.