so long so long so long

depression is a curious and confusing thing.

i got to thinking just now about how strangley the mind works. about how difficult it can be to just enjoy the things that make you happy. what a struggle it can be for some of us, sometimes.
i began to wonder if it's a personal thing, a reflection of my family life, childhood. just the things i was tought. or perhaps a societal thing, american in nature. or maybe its just another peice of the human condition?
how strange is it, that we can live so deeply imbedded in painful emotions, like fear. even when we cannot name that which makes us afraid we allow it to take over completley. how much i've let it take over-unable to find joy in the most precious things. just thinking about being sad made me so very, very sad. makes me.
i'll spend weeks just in a daze, not really doing anything. and when i realize it i'll spend days being down about it, sad and angry with myself. the world. and then i'll have brief moments, like today, when i acutally feel happy, motivated, energized and hopeful. trying not to think about how fleeting these feelings can be, trying not to let that fear bring me back down. i try so hard not to think about all of the wonderful moments in miles' young life i may have missed because of my depression and try to remember instead that tomorrow, the next month, the next year CAN be better-if i let them.
Let.
thats the key.
it's so hard to stop trying to MAKE myself happy. to realize that if i can just slow down, just live within each minute, each second as it happens, life will slow down and this is when i will find my joy.
'why me' 'why now' 'why not' 'why'.
these questions are empty of any real meaning, yet heavy with the weight of despair and doubt.

the other day on NPR i heard a man quote a freind, "why is a question for children, how is a question for adults."

i feel like an addict struggling through recovery. in truth i sometimes envy substance abusers, because they have something to show the world. others may not understand why they have the dependencies they do, but at least they can see the problem. how do you show someone what it's like to be addicted to being sad?