Spaz.

So, I'm an instant gratification kinda gal. This explains why I love things like chocolate, cigarettes, and digital cameras; and why I'm terrible at responsible, productive member of society type things, like saving money. I'd totally go for that thing that's marginally awesome right now (Ooh, dollar store picture frames and Bubbles!) than actually saving up for the really awesome thing like a House or New Car. I can't even focus long enough to keep a house plant alive, though I might be able to if it did something really cool like burst into bloom at the first drop of water, or sing for it's supper. Basically my point is - I'm a Spaz, and simply admitting you're a spaz is not an acceptable excuse for a bill collector. Neither is repeating 'I don't have any money!' in escalating tones. No matter how many ways you try to phrase it, they will simply not take telling them that you're money-less as a good enough reason for not giving them any. These are all reasons why whenever I try to face my debt head-on, (like the productive member of society type I really am, deep deep down) my brain starts to come up with clever little ways to prolong the inevitable suffering. It starts with Brain providing me with a plethora of well though out excuses:

"You don't have any money anyway."

"It's just a stupid bill and they're mean and you don't like them."

"Screw them!"

"You really did only get like 3 hours of sleep last night, don't you deserve a nap? Yes, of course you do."

" Three letters: D V R. As in, you have the season premiers of True Blood, Top Chef, AND The Real L word recorded. You're welcome."

Or my personal favorite,

"You have Vicodin."

Ah, Brain, how very smart you are! Always concerned with my well being! Always going the extra mile, like just when I think I've spent enough time sleeping or watching TV while bliss-ed out (a hearty Thank You! to my new favorite doctor btw) on prescription drugs, you see fit to inundate me with a seemingly mindless and incoherent stream of random thoughts.

For example:

"I should really call that guy today. But how much will they accept? They'll just be mad I didn't keep up my end of the bargain before. I wonder if we have any ice cream left. I bet Landon ate all the ice cream. Stupid Landon. Stupid medical marijuana license. They're going to make me feel like a blight to society. I'm tired. If I go to sleep I'll probably be late for work, again. That's extra bad when you work from home. It's hot. I should probably ask Landon how much to pay these people, he'll know what to do. He'll just be mean about it. Maybe I'll call him anyway and just sit there with nothing to say, until he say's he has to go. By then I'll come up with something. Should I just watch Duplicity?" Etc. Etc. Etc.

Hey Brain, Go You!

But wait, Brain, what is this? My debit card won't work? I'm standing at the checkout line at the store, my son pouring juice all over himself while getting progressively more pissed off about being covered in juice, juice I apparently can't pay for? But it's pay day!! Brain, what is going on? What? They took all of our money? That company you distracted me from calling, so effectively I practically forgot they existed, They took ALL of our money???

Well shit Brain, what's your brilliant plan this time????




I am such a spaz.

Oooh. True Blood.