Too Much In My Head

I think sometimes I'm just trying to make myself crazy. I'm too used to complication, I push myself in that direction... It all just comes out this way, but it's not the most accurate description of how I feel....

exerpts from a few nights ago........


Hold me w.o expectation, I can't give more than this.
God Help Me. I'm afraid to find out who I am.
Please don't push me. I want to hide out in these warm imaginings.
It's safe inside these familiar pretendings.
I Don't Want To Be Alone.
I'm so scared of who I'll become.
You are the feeling of something oh too familiar,
Please don't make me need again.
It's just so easy to hide inside you,
But it's just as scary not to face this.
I don't know how to be both the people warring inside of me.
I am afraid of shattering.
Please just say the words that are resting on the tip of my tounge.
Why don't you know who I am?
I am not this fucking strong and I don't know how to just give in.
Please just tell me how to change.
I can't keep pulling and pushing all at the same time.
I need to be broken down and set to rights,
But I can't step back far enough to sort out all the peices.
I need you to teach me how to feel safe.
Everyone always lets go....
Eventually.
How many times can I fix myself?
There are too many cracks already.
I wish you were strong enough to fix me.
This could fucking kill me.

I'm just too close to being lost.
Could you do it all again?



and...

someone fucking help me please....
is it okay to want a thing i've not right to expect?
nothing was promised.
i've no rights to disapointment.
nothing was ever promised.
i learned long ago that i wouldnt get to hold on.
i've no right.
you never fucking promised.
no one ever did.


the timings off on these. but whatever. it was appropriate at the time. you just couldn't be there...