Spaz.

So, I'm an instant gratification kinda gal. This explains why I love things like chocolate, cigarettes, and digital cameras; and why I'm terrible at responsible, productive member of society type things, like saving money. I'd totally go for that thing that's marginally awesome right now (Ooh, dollar store picture frames and Bubbles!) than actually saving up for the really awesome thing like a House or New Car. I can't even focus long enough to keep a house plant alive, though I might be able to if it did something really cool like burst into bloom at the first drop of water, or sing for it's supper. Basically my point is - I'm a Spaz, and simply admitting you're a spaz is not an acceptable excuse for a bill collector. Neither is repeating 'I don't have any money!' in escalating tones. No matter how many ways you try to phrase it, they will simply not take telling them that you're money-less as a good enough reason for not giving them any. These are all reasons why whenever I try to face my debt head-on, (like the productive member of society type I really am, deep deep down) my brain starts to come up with clever little ways to prolong the inevitable suffering. It starts with Brain providing me with a plethora of well though out excuses:

"You don't have any money anyway."

"It's just a stupid bill and they're mean and you don't like them."

"Screw them!"

"You really did only get like 3 hours of sleep last night, don't you deserve a nap? Yes, of course you do."

" Three letters: D V R. As in, you have the season premiers of True Blood, Top Chef, AND The Real L word recorded. You're welcome."

Or my personal favorite,

"You have Vicodin."

Ah, Brain, how very smart you are! Always concerned with my well being! Always going the extra mile, like just when I think I've spent enough time sleeping or watching TV while bliss-ed out (a hearty Thank You! to my new favorite doctor btw) on prescription drugs, you see fit to inundate me with a seemingly mindless and incoherent stream of random thoughts.

For example:

"I should really call that guy today. But how much will they accept? They'll just be mad I didn't keep up my end of the bargain before. I wonder if we have any ice cream left. I bet Landon ate all the ice cream. Stupid Landon. Stupid medical marijuana license. They're going to make me feel like a blight to society. I'm tired. If I go to sleep I'll probably be late for work, again. That's extra bad when you work from home. It's hot. I should probably ask Landon how much to pay these people, he'll know what to do. He'll just be mean about it. Maybe I'll call him anyway and just sit there with nothing to say, until he say's he has to go. By then I'll come up with something. Should I just watch Duplicity?" Etc. Etc. Etc.

Hey Brain, Go You!

But wait, Brain, what is this? My debit card won't work? I'm standing at the checkout line at the store, my son pouring juice all over himself while getting progressively more pissed off about being covered in juice, juice I apparently can't pay for? But it's pay day!! Brain, what is going on? What? They took all of our money? That company you distracted me from calling, so effectively I practically forgot they existed, They took ALL of our money???

Well shit Brain, what's your brilliant plan this time????




I am such a spaz.

Oooh. True Blood.

so long so long so long

depression is a curious and confusing thing.

i got to thinking just now about how strangley the mind works. about how difficult it can be to just enjoy the things that make you happy. what a struggle it can be for some of us, sometimes.
i began to wonder if it's a personal thing, a reflection of my family life, childhood. just the things i was tought. or perhaps a societal thing, american in nature. or maybe its just another peice of the human condition?
how strange is it, that we can live so deeply imbedded in painful emotions, like fear. even when we cannot name that which makes us afraid we allow it to take over completley. how much i've let it take over-unable to find joy in the most precious things. just thinking about being sad made me so very, very sad. makes me.
i'll spend weeks just in a daze, not really doing anything. and when i realize it i'll spend days being down about it, sad and angry with myself. the world. and then i'll have brief moments, like today, when i acutally feel happy, motivated, energized and hopeful. trying not to think about how fleeting these feelings can be, trying not to let that fear bring me back down. i try so hard not to think about all of the wonderful moments in miles' young life i may have missed because of my depression and try to remember instead that tomorrow, the next month, the next year CAN be better-if i let them.
Let.
thats the key.
it's so hard to stop trying to MAKE myself happy. to realize that if i can just slow down, just live within each minute, each second as it happens, life will slow down and this is when i will find my joy.
'why me' 'why now' 'why not' 'why'.
these questions are empty of any real meaning, yet heavy with the weight of despair and doubt.

the other day on NPR i heard a man quote a freind, "why is a question for children, how is a question for adults."

i feel like an addict struggling through recovery. in truth i sometimes envy substance abusers, because they have something to show the world. others may not understand why they have the dependencies they do, but at least they can see the problem. how do you show someone what it's like to be addicted to being sad?

Sad.

Bettie Page, legendary pinup queen, dies at 85

Dec 12, 2008, 08:30 AM | by Mike Bruno

Categories: In Memoriam

Bettie Page, the 1950s pinup credited with helping to spark the next decade's sexual revolution, died in Los Angeles yesterday from pneumonia. She was 85. In honor of the passing of this treasure from a bygone era, an excerpt from EW critic Owen Gleiberman's review of the 2006 biopic, The Notorious Bettie Page:

"It has often been said that Bettie Page, the legendary '50s pinup with the pert features framed by those famously severe black bangs, was the rare American sex goddess who was equally at home projecting the image of a good girl or a bad girl. Frolicking, naked, in the ocean foam, her leg extended with playful pleasure, she was all dazzle and sunshine: the girl next door who said yes yes yes. In her scandalous underground bondage photos, where she posed as a dominatrix with a whip held high, or as a masochist with a ball in her mouth, she vamped like a pussycat from hell, her eyes narrowing with mean delight — or widening in mock terror. Yet the mysterious alchemy of Bettie Page isn't just that she could turn on a dime from light to dark, saint to sinner, virgin to vixen. It's that she was somehow able to project both qualities at once. In the bondage photos, so shocking for their time, her warm, spirited, peekaboo vibrance doesn't disappear; it's there just beneath the surface aggression of her poses. As for her all-American cheesecake shots, they have a quality of delirious, laughing abandon, as though she were winking at the she-devil inside. What Bettie Page conjured — always — was the promise of pleasure without limits. She was a one-woman orgy in centerfold form."

Good night, Bettie. Although it's a cliche, there really is no truer summation than to say, they just don't make 'em like they used to.

http://popwatch.ew.com/popwatch/2008/12/bettie-page-leg.html?iid=top25-Bettie+Page%2C+legendary+pinup+queen%2C+dies+at+85

unemployment

i'm really not sure how i feel about this whole unemployment situation. i'm trying to look at it positively, i know it's an opportunity to do something different, something more, that i probably would not have taken otherwise but the timing just couldn't be worse. unemployment won't be much because of my recent maternity leave and working less hours, and there just aren't a lot of jobs right now, especially for someone who can't work until after 4pm. i guess i'll just have to see how it goes. the bigger task for now is going to be managing to keep my cool at this place for the next 4 weeks...

:)

BabyFeet4

I'm in love, as I'm sure is every parent or person with a soft spot for babies, with my son's perfect little feet. There's something so superb about those pudgy little feet and bubbly little piggies.

BabyFeet4, originally uploaded by Ju.Ju.Bee.

just write.

i don't know why words are so hard lately. it used to come so easily. i think it boils down to a lack of input and support and a fear of judgment. i've been thinking a lot about the things that haunt me lately. but every time i try to sit down and sort it all out i just go blank. or its too overwhelming and i can't even get started, although i think it would really help me to clear my head. i'm not really sure why but i seem to need positive reenforcement, about eveyrthing. i would love to have the ability to just do something for myself, to have the confidence to just not worry about what everyone else may be thinking, but i can't quiet the voices in my head that constantly wonder what their reactions will be. i gets to the point where i stop trusting my relationships, even with family. i have this issue with paying too much attention to how people are acting, responding to me, instead of really listening to what they're saying. i hear them, i do listen, but i'm so preoccupied with the possibilty of their judgement that i start to project those fears on to them. i believe that fear is exactly that-a projection of our own negative feelings on to the people and world around us. when we fear something enough we are sure to see it everywhere. and my fear is that people will judge me, or misunderstand me. and when i try to overcome my insecurities i ususally end up over compensating. instead of my usual silence i talk to fast. i make sarcastic comments that come out wrong. and i have this horrible habit of either drifting off during conversations or just talking about my own experiences, because either i don't know what else to say, or sometimes with people i'm comfortable with, it's a rare opportunity to be myself and communicate openly and i can go a little overboard i guess.

i don't really know why this has been bugging me so much except that maybe i've been feeling a little too isolated latley. i'm in a relationship with someone who i don't really talk to, and i'm lacking people in my life i feel comfortable with and close too. there have been very few people in my life i've felt really understood me, who i've been able to connect with. and most of them are no longer really in my life. i have good friends of course, who love and respect me, who support me in every way they can, but there are still things missing. interests we don't really share.

there's really only about2 or 3 people i can think of that i really felt connected to in my adult life, and i miss those relationships. freindships. they didn't last long. for some reason we no longer really speak, and i wish i knew why. i wish i had the courage to call or write and just say, 'hey-i miss you. i'd really love to just talk to you for a while. i want to know what's going on in your life.' i think a big part of the issue is that the people i've always gotten along with best are men, and those friendships are too often confused with romance. it's really hard to have an intimate relationship with someone of the opposite sex without it being about sex. which really makes me sad.

more than anything though, i really want to know why those freindships dissolved so easily and completley. i need to know, but i don't want it to keep happening. i already i know i tear appart or in some way ruin every other relationship in my life. i need to know how so i can keep it from happening again.

i'm afraid to even admit to this blog, which i'm pretty sure no one even reads (but please comment if you do so i know your here), everything thats been going on in my head latley. i'm ashamed to admit that the only reason i'm still trying to make my relationship with L work is Miles. I don't know. maybe if we had some kind of foundation to build on i'd have more hope, but looking back i fear we may have been doomed to fail from the start. admitting it makes it seem like i'd regret having miles, but that will never be true. no matter how things end up he was a gift. a wonderful shining light. but unfortunatley you cant build a relationship on a child. i wish it were that simple, i really do. i wish with all my heart it was enough. i think it's time i really start admiting to myself that i'm not cut out for commitment of that kind. i don't know how to function in relationships. i had no real model for relationships as a child and i don't know where to start, how to act, who to be. i over analyze everything. i find fault when there is none. it's not something i know how to control, and it makes everything hard. ususally by know i would have just walked away. or ran. it was always a quick and simple way to end things when they got too hard. but now that it's not an option, i dont know what to do. i hate myself for putting L through the things i do. neither of us are perfect, but i have this inability to just Be Happy. and i'm tired. i'm just so tired of feeling shitty and making him feel shitty in return. even if he's not the reason i feel bad in the first place. although admittedly he's done his share, it's not fair to point the finger. i'm responsible for how i act and treat the people around me. i'm just reaching a point where i need to either get it together and figure it out and make it work or just let go. but neither option seems possible.

it's all just so exausting.

I think...

I was actually thinking about something to blog about today, but I have no recollection of what it was.

Yes We Did.

Karen and Mehdi's guide to spiritual enlightement.

karen: 'the more you work with people, the more you lose faith in humanity.'

mehdi: 'that's why buddha went to sit by himeself.'

karen: 'yeah, that's it-you want to find enlightenment? get away from dumbass people!'

mehdi: 'yup, go sit by yourself.'

Saturday Oct. 4

tomorrow i am going to make myself go for a hike. hiking's never really been my thing, not because i don't enjoy being out but because, well, i'm lazy, out of shape and my muscles don't really get along with the whole steep incline thing. but i need to get out. it beats sitting at home thinking about cleaning. and sure, i could use the sleep, but i would miss seeing miles bouncing along on his daddys back in his hiking gear, which is too cute to pass up. also, the leaves are changing and i can bring the cameras.

i'm really looking forward to taking a photography class. i'm sure it wont cover too much since it's only a 4 week gig (once a week classes) but at least i'll get in some dark room time, learn how to develop my own pictures, may lead to doing some more creative stuff with my prints which would be awesome. i've been trying to remind myself that it doesn't matter if i take outstanding photos, or if they ever get noticed by anyone, or if anything ever comes out of it more than a hobby. i truly love taking pictures, its on a level almost spiritual to me. it's something akin to meditation or prayer, and i need to culitvate that feeling and integrate it into as much of my life as possible. there are so few things in this world that are just yours, that you can enjoy regardless of whats going on with the people you share your life with. these things need to be cherished and enjoyed as frequently as possible. when so few things can be depended upon, these are the things that cannot leave us.

i'm really proud of collin. hes taking steps to be out of the country, and has plans to be gone within a year. i'm completley supportive and at the same time a bit jealous. he has so many of the same goals i had a few years ago and here he is doing so many of the things i never got past thinking about. it got me contemplating all of the things i'll no longer have the option to do. and while i love my life now, cherish my son and wouldn't change a thing-not for a lifetime worth of hopes and dreams-a part of me still mourns for the life i was too scared or preoccupied to to have.

so i guess its just time for new aspirations.


p.s.
MILES IS 9 mo. OLD TODAY!

I think the devil resides in wisconsin.

because it was hell, or quite close. minus the heat.

the lake we stayed at was nice though, or would have have been if we'd had any time to spend there.

creek fest 08

pictures just make the world look better.

every time i go anywhere with my camera things just start looking so much better. suddenly everything becomes more interesting. suddenly everything deserves to have its picture taken. faces are more animated, flowers and trees more colorful.... you get the idea. its just such a nice feeling, after walking around taking pictures for a few hours i suddenly see the beauty in things more clearly, i'm much more attentive to the world around me. so much so in fact, that its almost dangerous. i should not be allowed to operate heavy machinery, make important decisions, be held responsible for things for at least an hour afterwords, i'm still far too distracted. rather, i should just be left alone to peacefully stare out the window until i start to snap out of it a little bit.

that said, we (we being landon's mom and brother and miles and i) went down to the boulder creek fest. it's the second one of the summer, and by far not as interesting/crowded as the first, which i unfortunately missed this year, but still worth the trip. not that there can ever be anything wrong with being by the creek in downtown boulder in summertime. really, it doesn't get much better than that. there's the mall of course which is always good for people watching, the weather is beautiful, there's always plenty of shade if your hot and sun if your not. (disregard my cheesy unintentional rhyme). i really need to get down there as much as possible while the nice weather lasts. its one place that always feels nice and peaceful and homey to me. very relaxing, and god knows i need to relax a little more. it was nice spending some time with landon's fam, even though landon couldn't be there. he's in MN right now for his goddaughters christening.

i needed nothing more today than to get out and enjoy some sunshine and good atmosphere with some people who don't judge me, and have no intentions other than to enjoy themselves and spend some time with miles. my day started out great, and quickly turned disastrous once my mother and sister got involved. there's no need to go into more detail than my sister called and screamed at me because i didn't want to jump up and run to meet her so she could make me try on a bridesmaids dress and she could prove i'm bigger that she is, and to top it off my mother, who was supposed to be spending the day with us decided instead that it was a good day to get drunk before 1 pm and then got mad when i wouldn't let her hold my son. we actually ran into my mom later on at the creek fest, it was sad an awkward, there were tears in her eyes and you could tell she was hurt and uncomfortable. she just radiated sadness. everyone picked up on it. i just can't keep feeling guilty for her choices.

on the plus side i picked up a very pretty ring and collin and i got some very nice pictures which i'll post later on.

Funny thing came in the mail today.

so i was looking through the junk mail that came today and wedged inbetween the burger king coupons and grocery store mailers is a phamphlet for a religious convention of sorts coming through our area. Its covered in firey images saying things like 'Armaggeddon' and pictures of multi-headed beasts supposed to represent the devil. Its full of workshops about evil and sin, etc. and then on the back, just below the second firey Armaggedon is coming! it says how it will provide comfort and security in our lives.... that's it, scare the shit out of us as a way to bring comfort to our everyday lives.

The DNC is coming! The DNC is coming!

So the DNC is being held in my neck of the woods (or near it) next week and its made for some pretty interesting goings on.

Rage is playing a free show but you have to get tickets by lottery and you don't find out if you've won until the night before the show so even if i could by some miracle win tickets i'd never be able to get a baby sitter on that short of notice on a wed.

The Daily Show is filiming in denver all week and tickets to that were free also but they were long gone by the time i found out.

I was going to look into volunterring but i'd have to get on a wait list.
I heard on the radio the otherday something about giving homeless people free movies passes... um, ok, wth?

and my coworker just told me about the scheduled protests. thats right SCHEDULED protests. how can you schedule a protest? something about that just seems wrong to me, very wrong.
i'd kind of like to go hear Obama speak, but theres no way in hell i'm gonna go deal with that crowd.

motivation

is there such a thing as magical motivational fruit?

cuz i need some.

i'm going to try to blog when i get home, we'll see how that works out.

boo

this website makes me very sad

http://web.mac.com/judilesta/iWeb/Site/Library.html

because i'm broke.

oh, mama.

so i finally let my mom know today that i'm upset with her. i don't think it will change things much, if at all, but at least i got it off my chest. that's supposed to help, but i'm not really sure it will. i don't know why i ever thought she would change. i don't know why i believed that having a child would make her more present in my life. i believe her when she says she'll be there. that she wants to be around. i want so badly to trust her. i want so badly to have her in my life. not just for phone calls and things like that. shes always been there when i needed something, but never when i've needed someone. i don't understand why she can't be present in my life. why she can't just take the 5 minute drive to my house and spend a little time with her daughter and her grandson. i don't want anything more than that, i've never wanted anything more than that. i've told her so a hundred times. its like talking to a wall. a huge, impenetrable, camouflaged wall. why is that? we get along, we can talk on the phone all the time. i don't hold anything against her, i have always done my best to support her, to help her, to be someone she can lean on. to be everything i've wanted her to be. how can you not want to spend time with your child? i know she probably feels guilty for all the things she did and missed out on when i was young, but that's in the past. i'm trying to move on, to let go. i just cant help wanting her to be a part of my life. of my son's life. his other grandparents have to get on a plane just to see him, still they do it. his nana (landon's mom) drives from fo. co. almost every weekend for just a few hours with miles. my mom is minutes away. i thought when her crappy relationship was finally over and she moved closer it would mean she'd be around. stop by occasionally to say hello or have dinner. she just wont do it. she can, she has the time. she just wont. i've asked her to explain and she cant. i dont think she realizes, or wants to understand how much it hurts me. i couldn't imagine ever not wanting to be around my son. i just cant fathom it. she's missed so much. she continues to miss so much.
i just wish i knew why.

my monday

i hate mondays. which to the rest of the world are tuesdays. could be part of why the suck so much. remind me of the fact that i have to work on saturdays.

anyway, the day was pretty uneventful, nothing insightful or interesting to talk about. miles took his naps like a champ but then had a hell of a time going to bed, not sure why. i think he's not feeling well, all i want to do is go curl up in bed with him and sleep. but i'm stuck talking to the worlds dumbest people.

anyway...

kristin,
I'm sad you're leaving :( i know why you have to go and i support it, i'm just being selfish-i'm gonna miss ya. we'll have to visit eachother whenever we can.

love you girl.