Yes We Did.

Karen and Mehdi's guide to spiritual enlightement.

karen: 'the more you work with people, the more you lose faith in humanity.'

mehdi: 'that's why buddha went to sit by himeself.'

karen: 'yeah, that's it-you want to find enlightenment? get away from dumbass people!'

mehdi: 'yup, go sit by yourself.'

Saturday Oct. 4

tomorrow i am going to make myself go for a hike. hiking's never really been my thing, not because i don't enjoy being out but because, well, i'm lazy, out of shape and my muscles don't really get along with the whole steep incline thing. but i need to get out. it beats sitting at home thinking about cleaning. and sure, i could use the sleep, but i would miss seeing miles bouncing along on his daddys back in his hiking gear, which is too cute to pass up. also, the leaves are changing and i can bring the cameras.

i'm really looking forward to taking a photography class. i'm sure it wont cover too much since it's only a 4 week gig (once a week classes) but at least i'll get in some dark room time, learn how to develop my own pictures, may lead to doing some more creative stuff with my prints which would be awesome. i've been trying to remind myself that it doesn't matter if i take outstanding photos, or if they ever get noticed by anyone, or if anything ever comes out of it more than a hobby. i truly love taking pictures, its on a level almost spiritual to me. it's something akin to meditation or prayer, and i need to culitvate that feeling and integrate it into as much of my life as possible. there are so few things in this world that are just yours, that you can enjoy regardless of whats going on with the people you share your life with. these things need to be cherished and enjoyed as frequently as possible. when so few things can be depended upon, these are the things that cannot leave us.

i'm really proud of collin. hes taking steps to be out of the country, and has plans to be gone within a year. i'm completley supportive and at the same time a bit jealous. he has so many of the same goals i had a few years ago and here he is doing so many of the things i never got past thinking about. it got me contemplating all of the things i'll no longer have the option to do. and while i love my life now, cherish my son and wouldn't change a thing-not for a lifetime worth of hopes and dreams-a part of me still mourns for the life i was too scared or preoccupied to to have.

so i guess its just time for new aspirations.


p.s.
MILES IS 9 mo. OLD TODAY!

I think the devil resides in wisconsin.

because it was hell, or quite close. minus the heat.

the lake we stayed at was nice though, or would have have been if we'd had any time to spend there.

creek fest 08

pictures just make the world look better.

every time i go anywhere with my camera things just start looking so much better. suddenly everything becomes more interesting. suddenly everything deserves to have its picture taken. faces are more animated, flowers and trees more colorful.... you get the idea. its just such a nice feeling, after walking around taking pictures for a few hours i suddenly see the beauty in things more clearly, i'm much more attentive to the world around me. so much so in fact, that its almost dangerous. i should not be allowed to operate heavy machinery, make important decisions, be held responsible for things for at least an hour afterwords, i'm still far too distracted. rather, i should just be left alone to peacefully stare out the window until i start to snap out of it a little bit.

that said, we (we being landon's mom and brother and miles and i) went down to the boulder creek fest. it's the second one of the summer, and by far not as interesting/crowded as the first, which i unfortunately missed this year, but still worth the trip. not that there can ever be anything wrong with being by the creek in downtown boulder in summertime. really, it doesn't get much better than that. there's the mall of course which is always good for people watching, the weather is beautiful, there's always plenty of shade if your hot and sun if your not. (disregard my cheesy unintentional rhyme). i really need to get down there as much as possible while the nice weather lasts. its one place that always feels nice and peaceful and homey to me. very relaxing, and god knows i need to relax a little more. it was nice spending some time with landon's fam, even though landon couldn't be there. he's in MN right now for his goddaughters christening.

i needed nothing more today than to get out and enjoy some sunshine and good atmosphere with some people who don't judge me, and have no intentions other than to enjoy themselves and spend some time with miles. my day started out great, and quickly turned disastrous once my mother and sister got involved. there's no need to go into more detail than my sister called and screamed at me because i didn't want to jump up and run to meet her so she could make me try on a bridesmaids dress and she could prove i'm bigger that she is, and to top it off my mother, who was supposed to be spending the day with us decided instead that it was a good day to get drunk before 1 pm and then got mad when i wouldn't let her hold my son. we actually ran into my mom later on at the creek fest, it was sad an awkward, there were tears in her eyes and you could tell she was hurt and uncomfortable. she just radiated sadness. everyone picked up on it. i just can't keep feeling guilty for her choices.

on the plus side i picked up a very pretty ring and collin and i got some very nice pictures which i'll post later on.

Funny thing came in the mail today.

so i was looking through the junk mail that came today and wedged inbetween the burger king coupons and grocery store mailers is a phamphlet for a religious convention of sorts coming through our area. Its covered in firey images saying things like 'Armaggeddon' and pictures of multi-headed beasts supposed to represent the devil. Its full of workshops about evil and sin, etc. and then on the back, just below the second firey Armaggedon is coming! it says how it will provide comfort and security in our lives.... that's it, scare the shit out of us as a way to bring comfort to our everyday lives.

The DNC is coming! The DNC is coming!

So the DNC is being held in my neck of the woods (or near it) next week and its made for some pretty interesting goings on.

Rage is playing a free show but you have to get tickets by lottery and you don't find out if you've won until the night before the show so even if i could by some miracle win tickets i'd never be able to get a baby sitter on that short of notice on a wed.

The Daily Show is filiming in denver all week and tickets to that were free also but they were long gone by the time i found out.

I was going to look into volunterring but i'd have to get on a wait list.
I heard on the radio the otherday something about giving homeless people free movies passes... um, ok, wth?

and my coworker just told me about the scheduled protests. thats right SCHEDULED protests. how can you schedule a protest? something about that just seems wrong to me, very wrong.
i'd kind of like to go hear Obama speak, but theres no way in hell i'm gonna go deal with that crowd.

motivation

is there such a thing as magical motivational fruit?

cuz i need some.

i'm going to try to blog when i get home, we'll see how that works out.

boo

this website makes me very sad

http://web.mac.com/judilesta/iWeb/Site/Library.html

because i'm broke.

oh, mama.

so i finally let my mom know today that i'm upset with her. i don't think it will change things much, if at all, but at least i got it off my chest. that's supposed to help, but i'm not really sure it will. i don't know why i ever thought she would change. i don't know why i believed that having a child would make her more present in my life. i believe her when she says she'll be there. that she wants to be around. i want so badly to trust her. i want so badly to have her in my life. not just for phone calls and things like that. shes always been there when i needed something, but never when i've needed someone. i don't understand why she can't be present in my life. why she can't just take the 5 minute drive to my house and spend a little time with her daughter and her grandson. i don't want anything more than that, i've never wanted anything more than that. i've told her so a hundred times. its like talking to a wall. a huge, impenetrable, camouflaged wall. why is that? we get along, we can talk on the phone all the time. i don't hold anything against her, i have always done my best to support her, to help her, to be someone she can lean on. to be everything i've wanted her to be. how can you not want to spend time with your child? i know she probably feels guilty for all the things she did and missed out on when i was young, but that's in the past. i'm trying to move on, to let go. i just cant help wanting her to be a part of my life. of my son's life. his other grandparents have to get on a plane just to see him, still they do it. his nana (landon's mom) drives from fo. co. almost every weekend for just a few hours with miles. my mom is minutes away. i thought when her crappy relationship was finally over and she moved closer it would mean she'd be around. stop by occasionally to say hello or have dinner. she just wont do it. she can, she has the time. she just wont. i've asked her to explain and she cant. i dont think she realizes, or wants to understand how much it hurts me. i couldn't imagine ever not wanting to be around my son. i just cant fathom it. she's missed so much. she continues to miss so much.
i just wish i knew why.

my monday

i hate mondays. which to the rest of the world are tuesdays. could be part of why the suck so much. remind me of the fact that i have to work on saturdays.

anyway, the day was pretty uneventful, nothing insightful or interesting to talk about. miles took his naps like a champ but then had a hell of a time going to bed, not sure why. i think he's not feeling well, all i want to do is go curl up in bed with him and sleep. but i'm stuck talking to the worlds dumbest people.

anyway...

kristin,
I'm sad you're leaving :( i know why you have to go and i support it, i'm just being selfish-i'm gonna miss ya. we'll have to visit eachother whenever we can.

love you girl.

baby love

there's been such an amazing shift with miles over the past week or so. he's become so much more aware and inquizitive. he's more mobile than ever, not quite crawling yet but rolling and reaching and finding whatever way possible to get to what he wants. and what he wants is everything. especially remotes, cellphones, the laptop, water bottles and glasses. he's also become more attatched, less accepting of people other than me and his dad. but most of all more attatched to me. he used to be equally attatched to both of us, actually more so landon than me at times, but now he reaches for me constantly. its both wonderful and heartwarming and a little bit sad at times. i know his dad misses the time he used to have with miles at night, they used to get hours together while i was at work but now miles is in bed before i even leave. i admit it feels wonderful to have him reaching for me all the time, but i wish landon didn't have to miss out on so much during the day. i however am loving the way things are now. not the part about landon not getting to be around all day of course, but i love my days with miles and our time together in some ways more than ever. of course i've cherished every moment since he was born, even the sleepless nights, feedings round the clock, crying for hours, throw up all down my shirt... all of it; but now it's so much more fun. we play all day while he's awake, he smiles and laughs all the time. the other day he was laying in bed with me after nursing just staring at my foot and lauging everytime i said 'toes' for about 10 minutes. its so spectaular to be a party to that kind of unbridled joy, at the smallest of things. can you imagine what it would be like to be that amused over something so simple? to be that amazed by new words, emotions, things.... its very rare that i can't get him to smile, even when he's upset. there's always some simple little way to make him happy. i just hope i can learn from him.

motherhood

look at him, your son. your beautiful, beautiful baby boy. you are his mother. you are the source of everything he needs. you provide warmth, sustenance, shelter, comfort, love. he looks to you to soothe him when he's afraid, calm him when he's upset, feed him when he's hungry, nurture him at all times. you will be there, to celebrate his highs and pick him up when he's down. you will instill in him strength, courage, integrity. ensure that he lives with an open mind and an open heart. teach him to be compassionate, caring, forgiving and kind. to be independent and self aware. give him the confidence to bold. you want nothing more than the very best of everything for him. you hope to shelter him from all of the things that brought you tears and pain as a child, knowing that you will often fail. you desire to make him better than you are, and wonder how you will ever be the example that he needs. you want to learn from your own mistakes so he wont have to.

you delight in watching him grow. every new sound, every new movement, every new emotion is a joy to behold. you eagerly await his first steps, his first words. you try to guide him as he finds his place in his new world. you watch, and you listen and you learn. you see in him the wisdom that only babies have. wonder and delight at new things, eagerness to learn and discover. an openness to new experiences. pure unfiltered emotions. untainted by selfishness or doubt. you will learn from one another and together you will grow, and face the face the world.

Long Time Gone

i don't know where i've been. oh wait, yes i do. i've been with Miles. the wonderful, beautiful joy that is my son. i've also been somewhat lost. uncertain. afraid. not of motherhood. it has been nothing short of spectacular. but of everything else. i wont be afraid any longer. i'm coming back. maybe, if i get some time, and some sleep.....

-->.

Uncertainty.

I have no idea where i'm going. I'm not even sure where i am.

shitty computer speakers have a lovley way of making you're music sound a little bit like vinyl. its nice.

anyway, back to it. i don't know what i'm doing, i don't know why. have no idea how it will end up, in the end, when it's all said and done. but that's a time i wont be around for. no sense wondering about it now. life is conforting in a way many cannot imagine. its all unkown, uncertain, and certainly welcome. i feel utterly unprepared and ready like never before. i felt sad until i started to write. i guess the truth is the fears are just hormones, and really its all hope and it's all so, so nice. i am so, so ready to do this.

i think i am exactly where i am supposed to be.

Broken

Somtimes I wish I could remember what it felt like to be whole.

"Beauty....Redefined"

a blog so good it published twice.

double your reading pleasure, double your reading fun.

something something something...doublemint gum?

fuck it. i'm spent. thats dumb. and i dont feel like deleting anything today.

oops.